I've realized I've been very bad at blogging. I've also been wondering how blogs really work and what its true purpose is. So after a few months of not blogging...
I'm back into the scene since my current college friends have also started blogging. Bah. I don't want them to know about this page of mine though. I'm not shy or anything but most of my stupid rants are in here which makes this blog not pleasing to the eyes of many. Anyhow, I hope I reach up to a thousand views in the future(lol?) to show SOMEONE people out there that blog views aren't something to be proud of and well, this isn't a contest. The REAL competition lies outside this dimension - the internet dimension - and into the REAL world.
There, I'm at it again. My rants.
So, let the blogging games start now.
P.S.
My keyboard is broken so I might get lazy blogging and please wait for the comments to be enabled :)
So, I'm kinda skipping number 6 since I had to wrack my brain thinking facts about me.
Day 07: Your Zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality
I kinda follow this Tumblr and I don't know if you're familiar with this or not but it is Zodiacchic. It is actually tumbleblog full of facts for each zodiac. It also has been revamped and right now, it has a tag for zodiac compatibility.
Because of this Tumbleblog, I actually think that my star sign, Aries, fits my personality. It says that Aries is a true-blood fire element sign and they are quite energetic and headstrong, stubborn and competitive. Well, I admit I'm quite the latter and am overly stubborn. So yeah, I could never ask for the stars to change my Zodiac ever.
Doesn't matter. Nothing really changed since that last post except that we are now bombarded with exams, reports, reaction papers and all other shiznits that fall under the word ACADEMICS. I actually have been studying nonstop ever since last, last week. First, it was for Math and believe it or not, I think I have been studying for a week for that. Well, I had to study. The lesson is on graphing. And I know I actually suck at that. The next exam was Physical Education (Lec.). I only had a total of 3 hours of sleep for this yet, I never finished. And probably because of the tension, I palpitated before the exam. I thought I was going to die.
Bottomline is, I wasted almost 5 hours of sleep everyday just to study and my being haggard from cheering practice does not help at all. Luckily I am at home now because of the long weekend. HOORAY BITCHES, IT'S THE LONG WEEKEND.
Okay, about the upcoming Cheering competition. Approximately, we only have 5 days of night practice. That is if they will require us to practice over the weekend which is highly probable. No problem then. I just hope there won't be anymore exams for me to study.
Lastly.
My lovelife?
Nah. Won't talk too much about that.
I'm very happy though. Some guy I had a crush on from Singapore talked to me since June. OOOOH. I am so ecstatic.
I've never really thought about truly ending my life before, or if I did, I could've thought it as a cowardly act or I was a too cowardly myself and chickened out. Anyhow, I would like to advise you that the following scenes are gruesome and are rated SPG (Strict Parental Guidance).
L-O-L. I was just kidding.
Thoughts like these run through my mind starting when I was kid, a little one who still looks for her mommy when she has a boo boo. At that time, my mother was scolding me through the phone, telling me all sorts of things that I forgot about - probably intentionally, or not since I was still a child back then. After a grueling ten minutes, I ran to the nearby room, took a metal rod which was used to hang the curtains, and spanked myself by the thigh. Yes, I spanked myself until it became red. I thought of running away from home, to go back to the province to my grandmother and weep. And then thoughts of me wanting to take my own life came rushing in, at that very same moment I thought of REALLY running away. I was still spanking myself and as the rod lands of my thigh, metal touching skin, I mentally ran through a list, a list containing ways which I could possibly use to kill myself. I remember one actually and it was me 'pretending' to slip in the bathroom so I could hit the gutter. Wow. Now that I think about it, I'm a very weird and gruesome kid. Probably because I read too much fiction. Well anyway, I didn't do it because I was a little girl and I got easily scared of death. I didn't know how to cheat death. You can never cheat death anyway. So what I did was, I continued spanking myself and waited for it to bleed. It never did happen and I got tired of spanking myself because even though how hard I did it, my skin would never really turn red.
From time to time, I still have these suicidal thoughts especially when I'm pissed. I don't know. It actually got frequent after the tragedy that - kind of - lost a part of our supposedly high spirits. I don't want to talk about it. I cried for no less than 4 hours after I heard the news. It's depressing.
But even though these kinds of thoughts run through my head sometimes, I know I'm not crazy enough to commit it. I think about how my family would react if I actually did it, I think about all my friends, I think about all the people in my life, I think about the future and the possible memories I could never cherish, I think about my life's story and the possibility of not being able to share it to my future children and husband - all these and I suddenly back out of the notion of committing it. Suicide.
For me, it is a cowardly act. I, we, anyone...I know we could never stop not thinking about it.
But. Look. Think.
Only people who chose not to face life's realities are dead of suicide.
Pinagmamasdan kita nang 'di mo alam. Hindi nga ako stalker pero siyempre, sino ba namang tao ang makapagpigil na 'di matitigan nang palihim ang taong gusto nila?
Wala.
So, ayun. I was looking at you from the corner of my eye. Siyempre, 'di nga lang obvious. Baka mabuking. Nakaupo ka sa malayo, nanonood ng TV at nakikitawa sa mga jokes na hanep sa palabas. Kebs ko ba naman kung ano ang pinapanood mo. Nakaupo lang ako eh, kunwari may ginagawa sa selpon, 'yun pala, nakatitig nang palihim sa'yo.
Hindi nga tayo nag-uusap pero feeling ko kumpleto na araw ko 'pag tayo'y magkasama sa iisang silid. Talk about infatuation. Ang bwitre.
Umuulan pa naman.
Kailan lang ng MYMP ang peg? Bawat araw, sinusundan?
Bwiset.
Makakaahon pa kaya ako mula sa nararamdaman kong ito? Hanggang leeg na ang pagkalubog ko. Konti na lang, lagpas-ulo na.
I met a guy in a room full of unknown people and I was glad that I would not be dealing with fidgeting at that moment. I had noticed him the first time I walked into the room. He was smiling like a little boy, his gums and teeth showing. He had that cheerful air with him and he was glowing (a weird adjective that I should not use to describe a guy but what the hell, I really thought that he was sunshine-y that time). Being the shy kid I was, I resulted to glancing - yes, I felt like I was a stalker - and pretending to look like a poor little puppy, a stunt which I learned - just recently, after almost a year - I pulled off quite successfully.
To be honest, most guys I liked are usually shy-looking, gentlemanly and softspoken. He is but the opposite: loud, all-smiles etc. So it really was a wonder as to why he had that effect on me. That kind of effect that sends me off the edge, making me feel self-conscious even just for a moment. When I left the room, I asked a close friend of mine what his name was and she did.
I was happy.
Though it was not until January that I knew what his full name was. I stalked him. Gave up two weeks later, however. Because I really don't know where to start.
March. I received news of me passing this university. I cried but then, I laughably remembered him. I browsed through the list of passers and stupidly looked for his name.
His name was there. Together with the Ms, Ns, Os, Ps, Qs, Rs and S-es.
And then I laughed.
"we were going to be schoolmates, hopefully," I mouthed to one of my closest friends in school. And I was still stupidly blinking my tears away as I smiled.
He really became my schoolmate.
I got to know him. Though definitely not all of him, but still, I am no longer the invisible girl who just tries to stalk him on Facebook.
sometimes, I hate him for his actions, get pissed off by him and get irritated. As a result, I have been having talks with my roomies and my friends, telling them that I think I want to move on - or AM moving on.
Neither believe.
Nor do I.
I see him quite frequently, though not on a daily basis.
I've been trying to decipher his actions as he talks to me and the feeling was - or is - never mutual, I guess. I don't try to assume then. People get hurt just by assuming.
But as days pass by, I think I'm growing more attached.
And these talks of moving on would grow less and would probably become nonexistent in a few months' time.
