Day 05: A time you thought about ending your life


I've never really thought about truly ending my life before, or if I did, I could've thought it as a cowardly act or I was a too cowardly myself and chickened out. Anyhow, I would like to advise you that the following scenes are gruesome and are rated SPG (Strict Parental Guidance).

L-O-L. I was just kidding.


Thoughts like these run through my mind starting when I was kid, a little one who still looks for her mommy when she has a boo boo. At that time, my mother was scolding me through the phone, telling me all sorts of things that I forgot about - probably intentionally, or not since I was still a child back then. After a grueling ten minutes, I ran to the nearby room, took a metal rod which was used to hang the curtains, and spanked myself by the thigh. Yes, I spanked myself until it became red. I thought of running away from home, to go back to the province to my grandmother and weep. And then thoughts of me wanting to take my own life came rushing in, at that very same moment I thought of REALLY running away. I was still spanking myself and as the rod lands of my thigh, metal touching skin, I mentally ran through a list, a list containing ways which I could possibly use to kill myself. I remember one actually and it was me 'pretending' to slip in the bathroom so I could hit the gutter. Wow. Now that I think about it, I'm a very weird and gruesome kid. Probably because I read too much fiction. Well anyway, I didn't do it because I was a little girl and I got easily scared of death. I didn't know how to cheat death. You can never cheat death anyway. So what I did was, I continued spanking myself and waited for it to bleed. It never did happen and I got tired of spanking myself because even though how hard I did it, my skin would never really turn red.

From time to time, I still have these suicidal thoughts especially when I'm pissed. I don't know. It actually got frequent after the tragedy that - kind of - lost a part of our supposedly high spirits. I don't want to talk about it. I cried for no less than 4 hours after I heard the news. It's depressing.

But even though these kinds of thoughts run through my head sometimes, I know I'm not crazy enough to commit it. I think about how my family would react if I actually did it, I think about all my friends, I think about all the people in my life, I think about the future and the possible memories I could never cherish, I think about my life's story and the possibility of not being able to share it to my future children and husband - all these and I suddenly back out of the notion of committing it. Suicide.

For me, it is a cowardly act. I, we, anyone...I know we could never stop not thinking about it.

But. Look. Think.

Only people who chose not to face life's realities are dead of suicide.

And I realized, I could never be one of them.

Labels: 30 day challenge no.1